I am sitting on my toilet. My toilet. And I am writing this, and I am not okay. I have no idea how many people still get this in their feed or watch me or whatever, but this is the only place I feel I can make the following statement so I am.
I am so scared.
I am so scared and so lost right now and I really want to take my own life.
I was doing so well, I haven’t thought about that sort of thing for ages and then BAM, this.
My best friend of five years doesn’t want to talk to me right now, and I feel like my life is over. I have all of one friend now, my girlfriend, and I thought my best friend but apparently not. I dont know. And its eating me alive.
I have never felt more alone.
My girlfriend? She lives in Canada. And as much as she wants to hold me, to help me though this, she can’t. My best friend? She lives two towns away. She was the only thing that kept me sane, that helped me not just sink into a puddle of isolation because she was there for me when she got back from school. And now…now I have no one. There are no friends to turn to, no one to see on a weekend or every couple of months.
I, am alone.
And for someone like me, thats bad. I don;t handle isolation well, in fact I handle it horribly. It’s why I almost killed myself when I was at my last collage.
Fun story huh kids?
Life has been a mess, you know I just turned 21 not that long ago and everyone I thought was mildly important to me basically forgot. Yeah. That was cool. I enjoyed that. I still get jealous when people give piles of art or notes or whatever on their birthday and I still get nothing, even when I do things for others nothing. And its not even I don’t get a giant thing its just no one can make a move to do anything and I just
I feel like a loser.
I feel like a loser that should just fucking take some pills and get it over with.
And I wish I was strong enough to stay on my fucking accounts and deal with everyone but I can’t anymore. All the drama, all the trolling, all the bullshit, its made me hate myself more and more and more to the point where I keep wanting to harm myself because of nasty people who can’t seem to understand the power of their words, or how gosspie ruins everything. I know I’m not fucking alone in being bullied, but I dont understand how its still around after so many people get though it. It brings no happiness! It just makes people fucking misrable! And now I can’t trust fucking anyone because of all this dumb bullshit that happened! Jesus fucking christ! I am so mad, and hurt, and upset, and at a lowest low, and for gods sake I am doing so poorly I logged onto an account I don’t even use because I have no one I feel like I can talk to right now! How sad is that?!
I just want to disapear, and stop feeling all this pain. Because I can’t deal with it anymore. I haven’t been dealing with it.
I can’t take it anymore.